FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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