I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As shirtless as possible
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
