So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
