if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
