Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i just sent this text using only my big toe
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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