hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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