Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
