3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
