dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize