why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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