So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize