Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
