my phone needs a breathalizer
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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