i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
