Have you finally orgasmed yet?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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