Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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