Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
