Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
