The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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