that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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