I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
