Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
