I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
