I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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