he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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