you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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