Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize