omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
