You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize