the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
