if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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