Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Me. At least after what I've been through.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
