i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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