you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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