She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
