It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
