Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
