i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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