Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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