i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
