K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
