I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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