I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
