when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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