Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
