Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
