i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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