Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
