Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
