If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
