Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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