You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
