I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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