You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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