She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
