Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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