You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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