If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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