She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
