Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
