my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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