I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
