The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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