Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
