I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
