my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
