Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize