I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
